These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are thing people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?! WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I... Full article »

Tags: entertainment, law

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It seems that politicians all over Australia had a thing or two to say about the recently rejected Cap and Trade emissions plan. The only problem is in working out just what they all meant! Take a look at this clip from Sunrise on Seven and see for yourself!... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, entertainment, environment

                    There was stunned disbelief at the ALP conference when Julia kissed Kevin in front of everybody. It seems the delegates were totally unprepared for any female but his wife kissing him voluntarily. It's not that they don't hold him in high regard, rather that amongst his many fine qualities sex appeal doesn't feature prominently. Close scrutiny of Julia's reaction during this tender moment suggested that she was either wincing or closing her eyes and thinking of Hugh Jackman. Julia also kissed Wayne in parliament after both of his budget... Full article »

Tags: entertainment

                    It's a struggle for CEOs in the current business climate. Profit seems to be an ever more elusive goal and the federal government isn't helping. Julia wants workers paid more, Wayne doesn't want them redundant, Kevin has run out of stimulus, customers wont pay a cent more than half-price and Penny is poised to plant a huge carbon footprint all over the bottom line. The Federal Labor Government has many fine qualities but it wouldn't get a pass in business studies. One of its outstanding assets is a remarkable pool... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, economics, entertainment

                    There is no higher calling than saving test cricket from being short-changed by 20 Twenty. While some are confident floodlit tests are the answer, wiser heads believe it lies in responding to the desperate plight of the cricket fan. Fans arriving at the Sydney Cricket Ground on the first day of a test match are brimming with excitement until their grog is confiscated upon entry. The mid-strength grog available inside the ground doesn't contain enough of the good stuff to sustain excitement over a five day stay at the ground;... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, entertainment, Europe, sport

                    Kevin opened up his latest world tour with a stopover in Malaysia. Friday Mash's exclusive sources believe he went there to lecture asylum seekers on the joys of living in New Zealand. Then on to Germany, the Pope's country of birth. Correspondents travelling with Kevin were undecided whether he went there to pick up a beamer to replace the ute or to impress Angela Merkel with his economic theories for post neo-liberalism and his smoke and mirrors approach to saving the world from environmental catastrophe. Is the Pope a catholic?... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, entertainment, environment

                    In rugby league circles a sobering thought has been gaining momentum. Players are getting suspended, fined and fired for consuming the products of on-air TV sponsors which they are supposed to promote. In a non-descript bar in inner Sydney the audacity of hope has once again come to the rescue. One of the game's leading thinkers was forced to pause mid-schooner as he reeled from the shockwaves of not one but two flashes of pure genius. Rugby league and grog he realised were inseparable and what's more if it's ok... Full article »

Posted by: Roger Pugh at 10:23 AM Comment

Tags: entertainment, health, sociology, sport

                    World News Before It Happens NZ will shortly hold a referendum on whether it should be legal for parents to smack children. Of course it should. Smacking prepares Kiwi kids for the treatment they can expect later in life from Aussie sporting teams. However it should be applied with a certain restraint. Heaven forbid that Kiwis should become pains in their own arses. Rumours are emanating from North Korea that Kim Jong Il doubts whether any of his sons has what it takes to succeed him as Dear Leader. As... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, entertainment, sociology

                      There are clear signs the US is in a mid-season slump what with money worries, the middle east, a young inexperienced president and Arnie threatening to terminate California. It's time for their old mate Aussie to take on a coaching role and help them lift their game. The trouble is Americans are constantly being told by politicians and the media that they are the greatest people in the world living in the greatest country in the world and you can forget all the rest. Secure in that knowledge in... Full article »

Tags: America, Australasia, entertainment, sociology

                    You've got to feel sorry for Eric Roozendaal. He's such a well-meaning chap but last year his mini-budget went down like John Howard at a union meeting and now his full budget has been received like a steak sandwich served to Kevin in flight. It's a pity Wayne didn't give him a few tips and it was just unfortunate that Bernie Madoff wasn't at liberty to help out. First it was Obama with the 'audacity of hope', only to be outshone by Eric's 'beacon of hope'; although perhaps Eric should... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, economics, entertainment, law

                  From those wonderful people who brought you the mexican wave and mariachi music comes swine flu which is just as catchy. The NSW Government was potentially well-equipped to deal with swine flu through applying measures similar to those developed for equine flu such as quarantining pigs and pig farmers and suspending pig racing. Kevin took a commendable initiative on swine flu by advising the nation to wash their hands thoroughly and often. The NSW Government took him at his word and washed their hands of the whole thing. As a... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, entertainment, health, sociology

                    World News Before It Happens It is surely only a matter of time before Barack Obama identifies the optimum solution for disposing of Guantanamo Bay inmates. He simply has to contact a people smuggler in Indonesia and book the requisite number of berths on a boat to Australia. Guantanamo graduates would be readily accepted as genuine refugees especially given their potential to move seamlessly into the western suburbs of Sydney as a bikie gang. Their ultimate destiny however may be in forming the first ever grog-free rugby league team and... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, entertainment

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Susan Boyle, the 48 year old scottish church volunteer touched so many hearts over the last eight weeks on her "Britains Got Talent" journey which ended last night. Her strong and powerful voice got her global attention culminating in Oprah Winfrey inviting her onto her talk show in the USA. However, the instant fame came at a price and for the last two weeks Susan had been followed and hounded by the tabloid press, bringing her to tears and almost to the point of quitting the show. Susan made it to the final and pulled out a stirling performance of "I... Full article »

Posted by: Amanda Foxon-Hill at 11:11 AM Comment

Tags: entertainment, Europe

                    Wall St responded immediately to Wayne's 2009 budget by asking 'who?' and 'where?' Australia responded by hoping it was his swan song. This budget was framed to fight the biggest depression in Australia since Howard and Costello. There was an encouraging first step in the 2050 plan to get the ageing population cost burden under control. Ultimately pensions will rise to one hundred thousand a year but you'll only qualify for one if you live to be a hundred and three. The introduction of paid parental leave in 2011... Full article »

Tags: Australasia, economics, entertainment, law

It is quite extraordinary that so many people are bemused by goings-on in the Middle East. It's all quite simple really. There are many theories as to how the US became so heavily involved in the Middle East. One US president thought it was a district of New York but the real breakthrough came when a US petrol retailer realised the virtues of a totally integrated supply chain. The invasion of Afghanistan has been brilliantly successful at driving the Taliban out of the country. Unfortunately it has driven them into Pakistan, which is now in imminent danger of being renamed... Full article »

Tags: Asia, entertainment, Middle East, security

                  Tired of working hard? Why not outsource your job! See how it is done by watching this broadcast from America's Onion News. Warning, this clip could seriously improve productivity....   The Milky Way Tastes Of Raspberries! Don't be fooled into thinking it is all chocolatey bliss up there in outer space. Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Radio Astronomy in Bonn have analyzed the molecules within the Milky Way and found that it is Raspberry flavoured. Ethyl Formate is a fairly common chemical compound that is used on earth... Full article »

Posted by: Amanda Foxon-Hill at 11:44 AM Comment

Tags: entertainment

A satirical look at the weekly events. This week, Questions without notice, the questions that need asking! Full article »

Tags: Australasia, entertainment, law

Susan Boyle, Singing Sensation! After an outstanding performance on TV talent show "Britain's Got Talent" on 11th April, Susan's quiet life ended. With her "You Tube" video receiving over 17 million hits since the show aired she has hit the big time. Full article »

Posted by: Amanda Foxon-Hill at 11:12 PM Comment

Tags: entertainment, Europe

There is a growing feeling amongst political punters that it's time for the NSW Labor Government to do the unthinkable and put community before party. Failure to keep the power on is the final straw Full article »

Tags: Australasia, entertainment, law

Kevin Rudd was apprehensive about his US trip until Gordon Brown got out of there unscathed. This reassured him that the US policy of eliminating toxic assets did not apply to toxic bores. Full article »

Tags: Asia, Australasia, economics, entertainment

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