There is no higher calling than saving test cricket from being short-changed by 20 Twenty.

While some are confident floodlit tests are the answer, wiser heads believe it lies in responding to the desperate plight of the cricket fan.

Fans arriving at the Sydney Cricket Ground on the first day of a test match are brimming with excitement until their grog is confiscated upon entry. The mid-strength grog available inside the ground doesn't contain enough of the good stuff to sustain excitement over a five day stay at the ground; it is rather a refreshment designed for passing through in a couple of hours.

The cheaper seats in the public parts of the ground have ideal dimensions for fans who are Jenny Craig graduates. The comfortable boxes for businessmen round the private parts are ideal for batting.

Retractable roofs over grounds would bring fans flocking back to test cricket. They would increase playing time in England and NZ by at least fifty percent. Fans get really nicked off when they pay a packet to get in, see little or no cricket and have to spend all day eating soggy chips in the pouring rain while the players are WAGging.

Then there's the problem of umpires. Players are paid to put up with them but fans shouldn't have to. These days video replays and other gizmos enable television commentators to make better decisions than umpires. Maybe they should swap jobs. Umpires are ideally positioned to commentate.

Arguably the most entertaining aspect of test cricket is sledging but the fans can't hear. If players were 'miked' the tactical significance of 'xxxx off you xxxxing pommie xxxx' could be readily appreciated by fans. Matches could become more inclusive by facilitating comments over the loudspeaker from fans like the president of Guide Dogs for Umpires.

Events encouraging female fans to socialise with players during tests have not been successful. There was disappointment that players who have taken part in record one-day stands could not repeat the performance in one-night stands.

Test matches which end in a draw after five days can take a very heavy toll on cricket fans. Some have had breakdowns while others have abandoned all hope and gone binge drinking with rugby league players. Surely Duckworth and Lewis can find some formula to avoid test match draws. If there's three more the England team will all get gonged again by the Queen including Freddie's physio and Mitchell Johnson's mother.

And there's another thing. Test captains are fined for slow over rates so batsmen should be given out lbw for slow batting, loitering before wicket.

Roger Pugh

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