Kevin opened up his latest world tour with a stopover in Malaysia. Friday Mash's exclusive sources believe he went there to lecture asylum seekers on the joys of living in New Zealand.

Then on to Germany, the Pope's country of birth. Correspondents travelling with Kevin were undecided whether he went there to pick up a beamer to replace the ute or to impress Angela Merkel with his economic theories for post neo-liberalism and his smoke and mirrors approach to saving the world from environmental catastrophe. Is the Pope a catholic?

On arrival at the Vatican Kevin gave the Pope a copy of his sorry speech and a case of wine. How thoughtful. You have to take everything Kevin says with a glass of something.

Confidential Vatican sources confirm the Pope dashed his higher aspirations by revealing that the St Kevin gig had already been granted to the patron saint of Dublin. He further cruelled Kevin's chances of sainthood by decreeing that the salvation of Wayne from the Utegate scandal was more Malcolm than miracle.

Kevin omitted to tell the Pope that he had aborted Grocery Choice but was quick to point out that Australia's two leading female Bishops were both in the Liberal Party.

Advice from Vatican experts prior to the meeting was that on no account should Kevin offer the Pope a stimulus package. Stimulation in the Vatican is a strictly Papal activity only.

His Holiness was most gratified to learn that both St George and St Kilda had been miraculously resurrected and are now leaders in the two strongest religions in Australia. He was somewhat disappointed however to learn that neither of them is catholic.

Next Kevin turned up at the G8 meeting to have a general nose around. The President of China couldn't make it so Kevin was confident of being called off the substitute's bench to deputise especially as the Chinese would save a fortune in interpreter fees. They were not interested however. Their thoughts had turned to Rio and the carnival was over.

There was a danger that Kevin would be invited to one of Silvio Berlusconi's climate change parties. The tempestuous environment is famous for sharp rises in temperature and has even caused Vesuvius to become active.

Kevin's greatest G8 moment was a presentation about the Clean Coal and Clean Jokes Institute. A research study has concluded that Australians emit more smut telling jokes than burning coal. There is still a major question about whether Kevin's clean coal will be less carbonated than coke zero.

And so back to Australia and, thanks to copious carbon emissions over the Pacific, a meeting with Al Gore on reducing carbon emissions..

Roger Pugh

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