World News Before It Happens

NZ will shortly hold a referendum on whether it should be legal for parents to smack children. Of course it should. Smacking prepares Kiwi kids for the treatment they can expect later in life from Aussie sporting teams. However it should be applied with a certain restraint. Heaven forbid that Kiwis should become pains in their own arses.

Rumours are emanating from North Korea that Kim Jong Il doubts whether any of his sons has what it takes to succeed him as Dear Leader. As a backstop position he is apparently being advised to adopt a son with the ideal qualifications like Anthony Mundine.

Gordon Brown is making outstanding progress in his quest to become the UK's most unpopular prime minister of all time. He's already done debt, deficit, recession, unemployment, ministers resigning en masse and expenses rorts and now he's looking for the next big thing. A sex scandal has been ruled out because it might make him more popular. All that's left apart from repeating the above is a drunken rampage round pubs and clubs. That shouldn't be too difficult. Any Australian rugby league club could provide expert coaching.

There's got to be an easier way to tackle climate change than an emissions trading scheme. How on earth will it be possible to check convincingly whether a country has met its carbon emissions reduction target by 2020? Everyone will be throwing up huge smokescreens. There are unconfirmed reports that Aussie scientists are on the verge of a major breakthrough in the field. Their concept is massive high-powered blowers sited on the Western Australia coast and facing east. They would have the power to blow all the carbon emitted in Australia over to NZ. This should be welcomed by the Kiwis because such a carbon concentration could certainly help to create a whole new generation of all blacks.

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford has got himself into all sorts of trouble by confessing to a bit on the side in Buenos Aires. He would do well to follow the example of President Zuma of South Africa who has three wives. This arrangement has proven a major deterrent to infidelity not least because triple divorces are so prohibitively expensive.

A Government Grant

Yet again the brilliant investigative team at Friday Mash has scooped the competition in uncovering the real story behind Utegate. These sensational revelations come from an unimpeachable source on the inside codenamed Low Larynx.

The first major breakthrough came when he told us John Grant's dealership wasn't KIA but CIA. They specialise in terrorist vehicles which have been renditioned.

Then came the startling news that for years Godwin Grech has been a sleeper agent working for the NZ Temperance League. His real name is Fred Jones but he changed it to keep a low profile.

Godwin or Fred is a mate of Malcolm's and was the Treasury official appointed by Wayne to oversee the Ozcar stimulus package for car dealers.

A few weeks ago the NZ Temperance League suddenly changed Godwin or Fred's operational status to active because they had discovered a dastardly plot. The US was conniving with Kevin through the CIA dealership to spirit the remaining Guantanamo Bay inmates into NZ after the immigration service there had knocked off for the weekend.

While the League were encouraged by the prospect of so many potential new members they were aghast at the possibility of becoming a terrorist organisation.

Kevin agreed to become a party to the plot because he's mates with Obama and he's really pee-ed off with the Kiwis for still bleating about underarm bowling. What's more he agreed to pay for it out of the Ozcar fund because the CIA dealership lent him a ute equipped with a chicken sandwich maker and a hair dryer.

Kevin instructed Godwin or Fred to cough up Ozcar dollars to the CIA dealership and told Wayne to phone, email and fax John Grant as much as possible so that if the plot leaked out Wayne would be in deeper than himself.

Godwin or Fred's mission for the NZ Temperance League, which he accepted, was to stop funds getting to the CIA at all costs. In one blinding flash of sublime inspiration he saw how this could be accomplished. All he had to do was tell Malcolm and within ten minutes the plot would be as confidential as Britney Spears' navel.

When Kevin found out that Malcolm had found out he called the whole thing off and told Obama to shove his inmates over the wall into Cuba.

The CIA dealership however was not happy. Their grand plot had been months in the planning and they were seething that Malcolm had stuffed it. To pay him back they developed a fiendishly cunning plan.

They decided to send a fake email to Godwin or Fred, purporting to come from Kevin's office and instructing him to give favoured Ozcar treatment to their dealership. They surmised, correctly as it turned out, that Godwin or Fred, whom they knew to be a ruthless NZ Temperance League agent, would be highly perturbed by this latest Ozcar communication and would immediately hand it to Malcolm as proof of Kevin's conniving ways.

Malcolm would then accuse poor innocent Kevin in public of all sorts of dreadful misdeeds only to be hit by a devastating counter-attack showing the email to be a fake, calling for Malcolm to be comprehensively, if not terminally, stuffed and for Godwin or Fred to be waterboarded on The 7.30 Report by Kerry O'Brien.

Things went exactly according to plan although Kevin did send Julia to Israel to confirm that the email wasn't kosher.

Wayne can't get into his house because it's stuffed full of faxes from car dealers applying for Ozcar grants, the only grant the CIA dealership has got is John, Godwin or Fred has applied to be put back to sleep, the NZ Temperance League has announced an inquiry at a ladies lemonade luncheon and the NZ immigration service has been ordered to work weekends.

Next week Low Larynx will be coming out after being inside for false pretences.

Roger Pugh

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