World News Before It Happens

It is surely only a matter of time before Barack Obama identifies the optimum solution for disposing of Guantanamo Bay inmates. He simply has to contact a people smuggler in Indonesia and book the requisite number of berths on a boat to Australia.

Guantanamo graduates would be readily accepted as genuine refugees especially given their potential to move seamlessly into the western suburbs of Sydney as a bikie gang. Their ultimate destiny however may be in forming the first ever grog-free rugby league team and becoming the sobering solution for the NRL. And if they did indulge in terrorism from time to time it would be nothing in comparison with what's currently going on in the game.

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For centuries the Westminster system of government has led the world in parliamentary democracy. It even moved with the times in the fifties by bravely setting a new standard in political sex scandals. Keen observers feared the system was failing when it produced Gordon Brown as prime minister but it soon bounced back with the ground -breaking parliamentary expenses rorts.

This audacious initiative won unprecedented cross-party support and is likely to be the catalyst for a powerful new political force called the Rorters Party. Once in government the party would deem expenses rorts to be a parliamentary privilege thus releasing politicians to focus on government best practice free of concerns about the condition of their moats and mistresses and whether they will be found out. This development could at last attract some of the UK's finest minds into politics. If you pay peanuts you get monkeys but if you pay buckets of swill you get snouts in the trough.

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It is fascinating to speculate what policies Osama Bin Laden would pursue if he became US President.

Experts believe he would destroy the economy by incurring a mountain of debt, cripple the capitalist system by government takeover of banks and auto makers, appoint immoral people like tax cheats to his administration, release confidential photographs of prisoner abuse by the US armed forces, open talks without preconditions with anti-US governments, excoriate George W at every opportunity, tell people around the world that the US is arrogant and has made serious mistakes, wind down operations against terrorists and rename them 'overseas contingency operations', stop the CIA being beastly to terrorists during interrogations and close Guantanamo Bay and scatter its inmates all over the world.

Then during a presidential visit to Pakistan he would whip off his disguise and reveal his true identity.

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World leaders have been lighting up these depressing times with their colourful lives. The new president of South Africa has multiple wives, the French President is the latest rolling stone in Carla Bruni's life and the Italian President is utterly beguiled by an eighteen year old. All we get from Kevin is hardhats and deficits. Now that he's learned to say 'budget deficit' dare we hope he will graduate to other 'b' and 'd' words like 'bedroom' and 'dirty weekend'?

Nodders and Shakers.

Television coverage of Kevin performing in parliament features an intriguing supporting cast comprising Julia Gillard, Anthony Albanese, Yvette D'Ath and Jodie Campbell.

Yvette and Jodie are on-camera with Kevin virtually the whole time as a sort of parliamentary backing group similar to the Supremes but without the vocals.

First impressions are that Yvette and Jodie have been selected for these roles because they won a parliamentary Labor Party beauty contest. Julia comes across well and was probably the runner-up but Anthony is there just to make Kevin look good.

Those of us with an unfathomable compulsion to endure Kevin's televised parliamentary performances for longer than it takes to locate the channel-changer have noticed qualities in Yvette and Jodie suggesting they owe their television roles to more than just good looks. They are emerging as highly talented nodders and shakers, skills much prized in parliamentary debate.

When Kevin regales parliament with his triumph in rescuing working families from the perfidious work choices or when he explains how his government's ETS can save the world from becoming a carbon catastrophe Yvette and Jodie immediately reinforce to the television audience the righteousness of his remarks through vigorous harmonised head nodding.

On the other hand when he berates the leader of the opposition for failing to understand the benefits of large budget deficits Yvette and Jodie fill our screens right on cue with censorious synchronised head shaking which underscores the astonishment that Malcolm could be so stupid.

The pair are very modest about their incredible talents and rarely speak out in parliament. It is only when Kevin is on his feet that they really stick their necks out.

Malcolm enjoys nothing like this formidable support from his backing group. Joe Hockey is useless at nodding and shaking because he hasn't got the neck. During Malcolm's right of reply speech Julie Bishop looked like she was nodding off.

Yvette and Jodie are almost at the stage where they can nod and shake their heads at the same time. This advanced technique will be invaluable when they can't understand what Kevin's raving on about and can't tell where they should nod and where they should shake. By using the combined nod-shake technique in these circumstances they will never make the grave error of shaking where they should nod and really pissing Kevin off.

They are also developing the three hundred and sixty degree 'wow' head swivel which they want to have ready when Kevin makes a revelation of true genius. So there's no hurry.

Kevin must surely appreciate the colour and impact Yvette and Jodie contribute to his televisual image. Some viewers believe that one is more effective than the other but most believe they are neck and neck.

There are rumours they have been offered huge sums to cross the chamber and apply their talents to the making of Malcolm. They already have a nodding acquaintance.

Roger Pugh.